Well hell must have frozen over ladies and gents in ladies clothing, because I'm back again with another exciting review of all things digital. That's right folks, movies, and not just movies, but movies on DVD. The months have been long and the spending grand, but I'm here again to enlighten the masses about a few good films I think they should buy. What makes me such an authority about films? Oh, I could show you the latest Best Buy notice I received in the mail the other day (the one asking for an overdue payment), but as I tell the credit solicitors, "let's not live in the past". Let me instead impart to you the reader (or nuclear holocaust wacko who happened upon this site in by accident) my fascination with films and this wonderful format we call DVD. DVD's are great in and of themselves. Where else could you watch a film about a horny army of zombies, and at the same time discover interesting facts about how the main character of the movie would pretend that he had just taken a dump in his pants in order to get a achieve a certain limp to his characters walk? DVD's do this for us, and at the same time, help to alleviate our pockets of heavy and burdensome cash! What a wonderful world we live in. Now on to this weeks (and perhaps years picks, because Lord knows when I'll get around to writing another one) picks for must have Digital Video Disc's.
Premiered in 1982 by the then pre-"Little Mermaid" Disney, TRON is the grand daddy of CGI (computer generated Images) movies. Up until that time, filmmakers needing splashy special effects relied on abacuses in order to fill in the holes of their thread bare, plot holed movies. Enter Donald Oprah Sebastian (or DOS, as his friends called him) who helped revolutionize the special effects medium with his trusty Apple Computer, and a lot of duct tape and KY Jelly. Personal computers at that time were marketed more towards families and the elderly, instead of single straight men who lived in their parent's basement and were only interested in down loading mega byte sized chunks of porn. The average price for a personal computer (as they were later called, instead of their original 1979 marketing title as "personal overseers of mental stability") with 1 kilo of RAM in 1981 was around $650,000.00. For only $23,455.00 more, a family of four could easily purchase a 7-inch computer screen that emitted low levels of radiation throughout the house for all members to enjoy. DOS saw the value of computers in society, when by chance he caught a rerun of the "Bigfoot/Steve Majors-Bionic Battle" once evening on episode of the "Six Million Dollar Man". MICROHARD was offering a computer at just a fraction of the price, and so, with his grandmother's forged check and a demented grin of perverted justice and final retribution against all who had mocked him, DOS sent away (via UPX-United Pony Express) for own POOMS. Tragedy however soon struck poor DOS and his plans for delayed gratification, when an abysmal day delivered onto him his long awaited package. Computers at that time where roughly the size of Buick's, and try as he might, exhausted DOS just couldn't find a way to swallow of affix the colossal machine to his frail and pasty white body. Ingesting the computer in the form of a suppository brought no comfort, even if it did open up avenues of interest and excitement DOS had never known about. What to do? Hollywood beckoned, and so, with greasy hands and a peculiar walk, DOS headed south towards the golden hills of California, but he would soon find that fame and history had something else in mind for this maverick of the special effects medium.
Stay tuned to this station for the complete story of how a man and his deviant lifestyle helped produce and doom a movie to film legend.
So truthfully, what can I say about one of Sci-Fi's lost lambs that has not already been said before? Well here's one; its now on DVD! That's right you geeks and 80's weirdo's; "TRON" has finally been made available to all of those who would never bother to purchase it on video. So why buy it now when not even stations like TNT refuse to play it? Because it's "TRON"! "TRON" folks, the all time coolest 80's Sci-Fi film of...the 80's. This movie has got Jeff Bridges, Bruce Boxleitner, David Warner, Cindy Morgan (that girl who showed her boobs in Caddy Shack), and some of the most …awesome images in…Sci-Fi history. Okay, the film is mainly geared toward special effects fans, but you must understand that where "Star Wars" encompassed the whole, and "Star Trek" the privileged few, "TRON" specifically went after the geeks in the world, who simply longed for a film that relied not on the traditional aspects of a film to tell a story like plot and dialogue, but more of a film that had…really cool effects. The story didn't matter and the actors were unimportant, because we had "Light Cycles" and "Master Control" to draw our attention away from any of the much-needed essentials like…plots and dialogue.
"TRON (20th Anniversary Collector's Edition)" is a must have for anyone who just vaguely remembers seeing this film on a pre-THX screen. The special features are many (if just a little strange) in this 2-disc set, but nothing compared to the wonder of owning this film on DVD. The behind the scenes stuff is fun (the promise of a restored sex scene (?) between Tron and Yori is a little disappointing, but the morning after scene does hit a bit close to home) with documentaries made circa 1980 regarding the budding aspects of computer generated images and computer games (they even have a shot of "PONG" in the background, I am so loving this), and the effects design drawings do help to tell the story of an earlier movie called "TRON" that ended up on screen as just a shadow of its former self. Menus, extras, and Bruce Boxleitner explaining "TRON's" sex life all add up to a fantastic buy, and a romping good time.
Bi for now,
Dr. S
All Tron images on this page
are copyright 2002 Walt Disney Productions
All information on this page is intended for satrical (or review) purposes only. Please, don't sue us.
Really.
I'm not a well man.