Well, Ol'Georgie Boy has done it once again; proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he does not have any business behind, around, or anywhere near the general vicinity of motion picture camera! I do have to admit though, that I'm a little (when I say a little I mean a lot) perplexed by the overall positive reactions most moviegoers have displayed towards this latest addition to the "Star Wars" anthology. Did those happy masses actually see the same movie I suffered through for 2-hours-and-God-only-knows-how-many-minutes? The "Episode II" that I saw on Friday, May 18th, around 12:40 p.m., was a plot bare, stiffly-acted, adventure into immaturity and social stupidity coupled with a barrage of CGI (Computer Generated Images Placed Within A Film To Fill In Any Gaping Holes Left In The Plot Because Of Bad Dialogue And Poor Character Development) shots thrown in for good cheer and cheap appeal. Wait a minute, maybe we did see the same picture, but just to make sure I ere on the side of caution, allow me the pleasure of dissecting Emperor Lucas's fledgling fifth film, and perhaps together, we can see "Episode II" for what it really is.
"Fasten Your Seatbelt Folks, Because This Is Going To Be A Bumpy Ride"
Rhythm
Let's talk rhythm, rhythm of a film or the pace of a film; how the movie goes from point-A-to-point-B-and-then-eventually-to-point-C. Almost 30 years ago, audiences were wowed by the cinematic splendor known nowadays as "Episode IV A New Hope"; it was fresh and inventive (if not a just little plagiaristic) story, centering around a young man's introduction into a realm of danger and mystery. Pretty much, the formula used for "Episode IV", was a flashy (yet inventive) beginning that set into motion a series of events that would ultimately swell to a thrilling climax with a tagged-on falling action sequence (why were Luke and Han the only guys getting metals I thought I saw a few other ships fly off before the 'Death Star' blew up wouldn't those people get awards as well?). It worked; in fact it worked so well that for many years to follow, almost every sci-fi genre film on the market copied "Episode IV's" formula ("Battle Beyond the Star" "Ice Pirates" "Falcon's Crest"). But (and this is a BIG BUT; a big hairy Captain Lou Albano BUTT) that same rhythm that worked so well a quarter of a century ago, that tried and true pacing that titillated audience's expectations into a fever pitched climax of trench filled anxiety and melting British actors; that formula just don't work anymore. Now sure, how can I criticize Lucas from employing a method of storytelling that almost every other film director uses (especially in a summer-blockbuster) in pictures ranging from action adventure to comedies? Well I'm thinking 4 years the guy had 4 years, at a cost of over 150 million dollars, to produce if nothing else, an original idea…or two, about a galaxy he made real and wonderful, and yet, the best Emperor George can come up with is a bad photocopy of a film he made over 28 years ago. See, this is where an experienced DIRECTOR (you know, someone who has actually been behind a camera in the last 30 years directing people) would have looked at the script and said, "Boy, this sucks! Rewrite"! But how on earth can a director order a rewrite on a script that he himself has written? He can't, and what we the public (us hordes of lumbering masses that waiting in agony for 4 years) get is nothing more, than a rehashed, reheated, leftover of a movie, complete with flashy beginning (What's with the Naboo eye-patched officer protecting Padme? They can replace a severed arm, but they're no good with eyes?) that sets into motion (Hey fellow Jedi, we could find whose behind this Separatist Movement, but let's put all our resources into protecting Senator Amidala…I mean Naboo has only got 2 senatorswait! 2 senators? Screw Amidala, where's Jar Jar?) a series of events (Why the future LORD OF THE SITH riding that cow looking thing?) that intimately swells to thrilling climax (Oh, look the clones have arrived to save the day Yippee) with a tagged on falling action sequence (Is that Jimmie Smits from NYPD Blues?) that doesn't work this time out, in fact, it didn't work in 1999 either, but let's not live in the past.
Writing
Let's talk writing, you know, that thing I'm doing right here (Actually, I hired a ghost writer. He's working out great wait, I didn't write that!) that has either captured your attention, or made you blood pressure rise to the point that a big blue vein now sits and throbs on the side of your forehead. Writing is essential to a film (and an article, otherwise, SilverSurfer would be doing this column), otherwise you get "Final Fantasy: The Spirit Within" (Oh, the horror…a 2-hour long Playstation commercial…is the Gaia below Brazil or north of Cuba?). But if Lady Luck flashes us from the front, then wherever there is writing, there is always the possibility for good writing. Good writing, where you get character development, background stories, unforeseen events, surprises, hell, change of some sort. "Episode II" had none of these things.
It has been 10 years since the events depicted in "Phantom Menace", and young Anakin Skywalker has now blossomed into every male home decorator's fantasy of perfection; 18, cut, and about as smart as a piece of balsa wood. When we first met up with Anakin 3 years ago, he was wooden, unbelievable (in that bad sort of way…not in the "Oh, My, Anakin is just Unbelievable" way), and about as interesting as a chunk of Alpo left out in the rain. Well, time has not been kind to Annie (I have a hard time believing that Darth Vader's nickname during his formative years, was ANNIE) and neither has Lucas. Doing a complete 360 on the character, Anakin is now even more annoying, with his many public displays of whininess, disrespect, and almost psychotic sexual advances (Boy, the lessons he has learned under the tutelage of the Jedi Order, have served him well…no wonder he kills all the Jedi, they turned him into a social retard). I know this is the guy who will one day be the 'Dark Lord' of the 'Galactic Empire', so come on, does tragic dissent into villainy mean the character must automatically be an asshole and throbbing mass of testosterone? What's up with this guy anyway? He spouts off whenever it suits him, he all but pulls out parts of his anatomy and shakes it at Padme to get her attention, and the film end with a marriage to a some broad he hasn't seen in what, 10 years? A writer writes what they know, but if this is what Lucas was like before and after his first and only engagement/marriage, no wonder the lady jumped ship as soon as the money pilled in, because you can bet your last cent that if I had to spend more than 2-hours around someone like Lucas or Anakin, then they'd be measuring one of us for a coffin! And let's not forget that first class (by way of coach and cargo hold) dialogue ladies and gents; "I don't like sand, it's coarse and rough, not like you Padme, you're soft (Anakin then locks gums with Padme). Word to the wise guys, if you ever try this on a lady in the hopes of scoring or getting some sort of eye contact, then stop right here, because if you don't look like Hayden Christensen, or you don't own large sums of money…hell, IF YOU EVER TRY THIS STUPID LINE ON ANY LADY OF ANY SPECIES, 2 THINGS WILL MORE THAN LIKELY HAPPEN; YOU WILL EITHER GET PEPPER SPRAYED IN THE FACE (IF YOU'RE SUPREMEMLY LUCKY), OR YOU'LL MORE OFTEN THEN NOT, GET A SWIFT HARD KICK TO THE 'BABY BUTTONS' (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)! If we have learned one important thing from Lucas after seeing "Clones", than it is this; the man has shown us without a doubt, that he hasn't had a date in YEARS!!!
What about Padme Amidala? Well…she's not a Queen any more (it's tough being one…trust me), she's a Senator…. What can I say about a young lady (26 years old according to Lucas) who has fantasized about an 8 year old for the past 10 years? Yuck comes to mind pretty damn quick! As the movie slowly…sssssllllloooowwwwllllyy moved into the most painful part of the procedure, there was a scene in which Padme confessed to Anakin that she had in fact been in love him ever since she first met him as a BOY 10 years ago on Tattoine. Now I can certainly understand if she had met Anakin when he was…oh, I don't know…16-maybe-17, but how many 16-year-old girls (or guys) do you know of, who'd carry a huge flame all these years for some kid half their age? I don't know any. Sure, you throw a rock and you're bound to hit some middle aged twerp whose left his wife and kids for some sixteen year-old breast recipient named Bunny he just met on the tennis courts, but how many teenage girls do you know, who'd ask their father if it'd be ok if they dump their biker-boyfriend 'Spike', in favor of taking snot-nosed Billy Whackerstien (the 7-year-old boy from down the street, the who says that pee tastes like 7-UP) instead? I don't know any?
Let's talk sex appeal. You know, when 'FOX' ran their add for the "Dark Angel" series a while back, they showed a beautiful young lady dressed head-to-toe in tight black leather, with a futuristic cityscape far in the distance. Now what 'Fox' was trying to do, was sell a sci-fi series to sci-fi geeks…sci-fi geeks who wanted SEX…sex being the scantly clad gal in the latex-covered body thong. Now here we have Padme; whose character throughout half of the picture, has been telling a very 'anxious' Annie over and over again, that she's just not interested in him 'that way'. Fair enough, but why does Lucas go cock-eyed in logic, and have Padme deliver her rejection notice to Anakin, dressed in a skin tight, black leather, Joel Schumacher original(complete with heaving cleavage and built-in nipples) body-condom? Why didn't Lucas just have her clothed in a wet 'Hooter's' tee shirt with the words 'Senator's Do It While Voting' stenciled on the back? Better yet, don't clothe her at all; just have Padme come out all-natural, covered only by a knee length cooks apron, bearing the words, "Come And Get It". Yeah, that'll tell Anakin you're not interested in him. Good thinking George!
Last, but by no means least, Padme's love affair with a homicidal manic! Oh, how Lucas must have romanticized for hours on end, about what bonds of love are formed between and killer and his gal. Take for example, Annie and Padme; two star-crossed lovers who ferment their love for one another, amongst the gore and death of over 30 decapitated desert nomads. The scene where Anakin returns to Padme, and admits his rampage of revenge and genocide, only to have Padme finally confess her hidden (and twisted) love for him since he was a wee toddler, almost makes it possible for one to imagine the unrecorded moment Charlie Manson and Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme must have shared, right after they began fast rise to infamy. This is sick!
Direction
Miscellaneous
After the attempt on Senator Amidala's life, representatives from the Jedi Council (including Yoda) meet with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine to discuss the growing threat of the Separatist movement. This scene, and the scene at the end of "Menace" (where Palpatine and members of the Jedi Council arrive in one ship to survey the aftermath of the battle at Naboo) pose a big problem for me. If the Jedi can sense the dark side of the force, why, oh, why can't they sense Palpatine? It's no great mystery (this goes back to the writing thing) that Palpatine is in fact Darth Sidious, so why can't the Jedi (especially Yoda) catch a whiff of this guys' evil? In "Empire", Luke (in training on the planet Dagobah) approaches a cave then turns to Yoda to say he's cold. Yoda responds by telling Luke that the cave is a spot strong with the dark side of the force. Now, that was a cave (according to "Star Wars" lore, Dagobah was once the site of a great battle, and during the fight, a powerful Sith Lord was slain at that very cave) saturated in the dark side of the force, but Palpatine is a living person; shouldn't at least one Jedi pickup some sort of NEGATIVE vibe from the Chancellor? The only explanation for this HUGE blunder in continuity would if Palpatine were not in fact Darth Sidious, but instead a clone of the Sith Master. Anyone who has read the "Dark Empire" novels by Dark Horse Comics (available now at your local Ground Zero Comics Book Store…just tell them Big S sent you) knows that Emperor Palpatine used cloning to achieve immortality, so making Chancellor Palpatine a clone of Sidious would not be too much of a surprise to the fans, but in fact, a clever way of explaining to everyone how the Jedi never knew that Palpatine was a bad guy. My guess is thou, that Lucas will screw even that up, and instead, we'll get a scene in "Episode III" with Yoda mistaking Palpatine's office door for the men's room, and as he walks in, Palpatine is running around the room trying on various black cloaks, while in the distance sits a huge chalk board littered with plans, and the words, "How To Become Emperor In Just 3 Simple Steps" scrawled across the top. Either that or Obi-Wan finds Palpatine's wallet, and inside are $18.00, one unused condom, and a Sith Union Card. Laugh now but trust me, Lucas will go for simple the explanation every time. There is scene within the Jedi Citadel, in which Yoda and Mace Windu praise the accomplishments of the aspiring Anakin, yet Obi-Wan doubts his Padowans progress, and voices serious concerns about Anakin's ability to control himself as a Jedi. This scene makes no sense what so ever. Has Obi-Wan forgotten so soon, his declaration to Yoda at the end of "Menace"; that no matter what the council's ruling was towards Anakin's Jedi training, he would see too it that Anakin did indeed become a Jedi Knight? I kept expecting Yoda to blurt out, "Ass, Obi-Wan you are a jack". When Obi-Wan visits Kamino, and is taken on a tour of the immense cloning facility at Tipoca City by Lama Su and Taun We, the camera focuses in on a group of 'Clone Troopers' performing drills, while a large number of uncompleted troopers, slowly approach a big circular platform in the center of the recreation yard that appears to be spitting out nothing but helmets. Why do we need to see this? Wouldn't it have been better to show the troopers doing something more important…like learning the controls of a completely new line of attack ships? I know Jango trained the 'Clone Troopers' in hand-to-hand combat and field weapons, but what about them becoming familiar with the heavier artillery? Not once did we see a Republic Gunship or AT-TE parked anywhere in Tipoca City; which begs the question, why was that key scene never produced, while useless shots like the 'graduation helmet grab' done instead? Screw the helmets; I want to see them before they put on their codpieces! This last gripe really had me scratching the ol'melon after I saw it. As the film comes to a close, Obi-Wan and Anakin confront Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus in large hangar bay. Anakin, instead of thinking, rushes in for the attack (are you listening Padme…you can pretty much forget foreplay) only to be struck down by shards of blue electricity emanating from Dooku. With Anakin covering the floor, Obi-Wan moves closer towards the Count in a combat stance. Once again Dooku releases his dark side lightning, but his efforts are all in vain, because Obi-Wan has used his lightsaber as a receptacle for the energy. This is a really neat trick that Obi-Wan has done, so WHY didn't Yoda teach Luke the same thing 24-some-odd-years later? I mean, I know they had a lot of ground to cover in just a few days, but come on, couldn't they have skipped rock levitation one day in favor of lightning bolt deflection training? The scene in "Return", where Luke is at Yoda's bedside, and the 900 year old master is giving Luke a few pointers about the Emperor…well, right before the little green guy croaks, couldn't he have at least told Luke, something like, "Hey, after you've beaten Vader and the Emperor approaches you, be sure not to throwaway your lightsaber, because you can use it if the punk decides to hurl lightning bolts you"? I'd have thought advice like that would've been #1 on the Jedi training priority list. But with Lucas's bang up dialogue, even if Yoda had told Luke, it probably been so garbled, Luke would've just shook his head out of politeness then turned away with a look of confusion on his face. Okay, one last shot…ninja Yoda and his walking cane. If you saw the film, then I need not explain. So, What Did I Like? Do It For The Kids George Star Wars: Episode III Doctor Strangelove. M.D.
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Memo to George; get an Editor. This movie was so choppy, even John Williams had a hard time keeping up. Second Memo to George; direct more than 5 films in the next 30 years…practice does make perfect.
This next section is simply devoted to things in the movie that just didn't make any sense.
Anakin travels back to his home planet of Tattoine to see about his mother, after suffering nightmares about something horrible happening to her. Upon arriving at the home of Cliegg Lars (the man who freed and eventually married Shmi Skywalker) and learning that his mother had been taken by Tusken Raiders, Anakin sets out and soon finds his beaten and bruised mother held captive and dying. The whole trip back to Tattoine was a bust. If it was Lucas's way of tying up the MOTHER storyline, while at the same time showing Anakin's slow decent towards Vader-ism, then he really missed a great opportunity to feature Shmi in "Episode III". Wouldn't that have been a cool scene? Obi-Wan returns to Tattoine after the events in the third film, in the hopes of finding Shmi Skywalker and leaving her to raise Anakin and Padme's baby son, Luke. He discovers that Watto eventually freed her, and that she went and married a moisture farmer named Lars; and they now live quietly out past Mos Eisley. The closing shot of "Episode III" would be of an elderly Shmi taking hold of her grandson, with Cliegg Lars by her side, while Owen (Cliegg's only offspring from his first marriage) looks at Obi-Wan with suspicion and dread for the future (cue the John Williams score). We'll never get that scene now that Shim's dead, but that's not really what bugs me about the Tattoine sequence. I always thought that it was stupid for Qui-Gon Jinn (in "Menace") to have left Anakin's mother on Tattoine in the first place. I know a Jedi must sever all ties to their loved ones, and Anakin was off to start his training, but does that mean that Qui-Gon had to leave her behind in slavery? Why didn't he just take her with them when they left (and don't say it was because of some sort of Jedi ethics against stealing, because earlier in the film he tried to trick Watto into taking USELESS Republic credits) for Coruscant, and gotten her a job at Dexter's Dinner? What really got my panties in a twist, was the scene in which Anakin discovers that his mother is still alive (according to Cliegg, she was taken 10 days prior to Anakin's arrival) in the Sandpeople camp, and as his starts to rescue her from…a tent, she looks up, says some gibberish that Lucas probably wrote while watching a rerun of "South Park", and dies! What got my shorts in a tussle was, why have the Tusken Raiders kept her alive at all? Ransom? Target Practice? Possible Scarecrow? It doesn't make any sense! Shmi's death would have been believable, if it were to have happened as a result of a typical Tusken Raider attack on a farmers homestead. Imagine; Shmi's shot while hanging clothes, and all Cliegg sees is a couple teenage Sandpeople speeding away on a supped up Bantha. Good, believable…I'd be angry if it happened to my mama, but no, Lucas has to have the whole Shmi/Anakin tent scene, so later on, there would be a tearful confession about the people he has slaughtered, and Padme will declare her love for Hitler…I mean Anakin.
The chase through the interior of Coruscant was thrilling and very fun to watch. If Lucas is good at one thing, then fast flights are at the top of the list. Unlike the battle sequences in the finale of both "Menace" and "Attack" (which I found uninventive and monotonous), the air-chase and pod race (from "Menace") segments are where Lucas really hits his stride, mainly because he is dealing with what he loves most; fast cars. I enjoyed the moment where Anakin and Padme visit Watto at his junk shop on Tattoine. The animator who created Watto visually, and the actor providing the voice for the character behind the scenes; both these people need to be congratulated for a job well done. Watto looked unkempt and almost fearful of Anakin, while his voice expressed nothing but sadness and terror at the situation. The scene where C-3PO's head gets cut off and placed on a 'battle droid's body, while his body receives a 'battle droid' head, had great comic timing. Sure the joke is old (I'm sure there's an episode of the "Munsters", where Herman loses his head) and soon becomes tired, but for a few minutes, I almost felt as if I were a kid again.
And that is the whole point of this movie series: to entertain kids. Lucas has said so himself; they're his homage to the old "Flash Gordon" and "Buck Rogers" serials he enjoyed seeing so much as child. Problem is, they're nowhere near as good as their predecessors! Sure the effects look great, and did you hear that sound (my ears are still bleeding for the clone attack) Jango's mine made when it was detonated in the asteroid field? But all in all, the last 2 films (or 3 films…it's just who you ask) have not been entertaining. Lucas has stated, that his ideal target audiences for the "Star Wars" series are mainly 12 year olds boys. I find this insulting to 12-year-old boys. If a 12-year-old boy can sift through Lucas's tangled plots and rehashed material to really understand what Lucas is trying to say, then that same kid will sure as hell smell a dud of a film towards the end!
A reviewer wrote of "Attack of the Cones" that at least the character of Jar Jar invoked some sort of emotion in him, even if it was only negative…sad but true. Where once I looked to "Menace" with joy and excitement, and "Attack" with hope and dread, I now look in anticipation for the third and final installment, if only with contempt (and let's not forget my real reason for wanting the final film made; the chance to bash it senseless for the next three years to come). I guess Lucas has done his homework well, because no matter what, he knows that people like me (we're an angry group, but we're very sociable) will gladly fork over $5.00 bucks, if only to be disappointed at something that was once grand (don't get too depressed…I think old episodes of "Sigmund the Sea Monsters" are grand). Prequels…somebody told me they were a bad idea, who was that?
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